Principle #6. Nurture your partner; set your limits; teach your partner how to treat you.

Men: In order to properly nurture your partner, to come from a position of strength and power, you must first be able to set your limits — to set and maintain appropriate boundaries. (“Boundaries protect us by keeping our definition of ourselves separate from the ideas others have about us.” — Mapping the Terrain of the Heart by Stephen Goldbart and David Wallin).

In other words, if what someone else thinks about you becomes more important to you than your feelings about yourself, you'll find getting your needs met in your relationship more difficult than it needs to be, and your partner increasingly less respectful of you and less satisfied with you.

Women: In order to nurture your partner without feeling resentful, you must be aware of your limits — and not extend yourself beyond them. Negotiate at the time of the transaction if there’s something you want or expect in return. Don’t keep a "secret deal” going — don’t do things for your partner for which you expect repayment, unless you negotiate the repayment at the time the “debt” is incurred.

Be mindful that members of each gender sometimes have a secret deal going on — men sometimes expecting sexual favors early in a "relationship" in return for money they've spent, for instance. Many women, having been brought up in a culture in which getting their needs met directly was, to say the least, not encouraged, may do things for a man in the course of their relationship for which he is then, unbeknownst to him, “indebted."

If and when a man is presented with such a “bill” it’s an opportunity to practice nurturing his partner, setting his limits, and teaching his partner how to treat him.

One man, having attended one too many boring – and regularly recurring – afternoon barbecues with the in-laws, in response to the latest invitation told his wife he didn't feel like going, whereupon he was met with her insistence that he accompany her, and presented with a long list of all the things she had done for him – to her way of thinking, running up a "debt" which was apparently payable on demand (a debt he didn't even know he had!).

Without the ability to set his boundaries in a healthy and flexible manner, this man may have been subjected to feeling guilty that, yes his wife did do lots of nice things for him, and maybe he should really go to the event even though he didn't want to (and even though he knew that she didn't really enjoy those gatherings, either!).

A man with healthy, flexible boundaries may have mustered the ability to respond in a loving manner, "Sweetheart, I'm sorry to disappoint you this time. I'm happy to visit your family occasionally, but not this weekend. I didn't know you were doing all those wonderful things for me in exchange for some expectations you had about me. I hope you'll let me know when you do things like that for me in the future so we can both be clear that you're doing me a favor for which you expect to be repaid." Or, some other variation on this basic, “I’m sorry, sweetheart; I didn’t understand that when you did ____ you were expecting me to _____. I wish you'd have asked me at the time if that’s a trade I was willing to make.”)

(Then, of course, if he wanted to have sex with his wife that week, he'd have got up and gone to the barbecue!)

This "secret score keeping" often presents itself in people of either gender who feel uncomfortable with pursuing their own agendas in a more direct fashion; though men in our society are encouraged to get their needs met directly and women have often been discouraged from pursuing that course.

Many, if not most, women have encountered men who have their own secret deal going – one of the most common (in both senses of the word) being, "I'll buy you dinner and you sleep with me." This works best, of course, on women who are uncomfortable setting their boundaries.

A woman with healthy, flexible boundaries might respond to an insistent man, "It's been a lovely evening. Thanks again for dinner. Good night!" Whereas a woman without healthy boundaries may be more likely to give in to whatever psychological games such a predatory man might employ. (Thankfully all men aren't like that, are they? Are they...?)

Teach Your Partner How to Treat You
Simply put, if you let people walk all over you, many of them will. Setting your boundaries early lets people know you are someone who doesn't put up with that type of treatment. Treat yourself and your needs with respect and you'll command respect from others – and attract them into your life. (And if you lose some people along the way who don't consider your needs to be just as important as theirs, well, you won't have lost much.)

From who pays, to negotiating the safe sex talk, to asking for a pre-nup, boundaries come into play. Best to get started early in the relationship – once people get used to mistreating you they really get upset when you insist they stop!

Have you encountered dates or relationship partners that have a "Secret Deal" going on? Do you have an experience where you recall having to set your boundaries? We'd like to hear about your experiences. Click "Comments," below to see what others have said, and/or to add your comments. (Check out John Bradshaw's Bradshaw: On the Family for an eye-opening, life-transforming book on boundaries.)

And, if you, like many of us, find yourself between relationships, you can meet single women and men at one of our innovative Bay Area singles events this week. We never leave conversation to chance!(tm) Click to see our schedule: The Meeting Game Salon.