Principle #7. Don't Interview Your Date

In the course of getting to know a new dating partner, there are important details you’ll want to find out — some significant ones earlier, rather than later. Most people don’t like the feeling of being “interviewed” on the first date, however. A good way to get some of the information that’s important to you is to ask your date what their 5-year plan is. If you want to start a family and your date wants to sail around the world, those differences will likely be revealed in their answer to that question.

Some single women and men have indicated they prefer the direct approach – "Why not just come out and ask them what you want to know?" they say. While there's always something to be said for being straightforward, many people on a first date prefer not to be confronted with questions about their interest in having children, what they like to do in bed, what kind of car they drive, or "where do you stand in relation to menopause" (all reported to have been asked by one gender of the other on first dates).

Personally, I prefer the patient, tactful approach to divining the answers to questions of interest, and would prefer to start with topics such as, "Do you have work that you enjoy? (which avoids another of the "qualifying"-type questions of "what kind of work do you do?" Qualifying questions like this can be a surreptitious attempt to determine your socio-economic status. (One time I even had dating candidate ask me about how I "plan to handle retirement" – and she wasn't talking about golf!)

Remember – you're not required to answer every question that's posed to you. A good response to questions you may prefer not to answer – at least early on in a dating relationship – such as those about where you went to school, what kind of work you do, what kind of car you drive, and any other inquiries you may like to defer for a time – is, "I'm not sure I know you well enough to discuss that quite yet." – accompanied by a sincere smile, of course!

I also like, "How do you like to spend your time?" as an alternative to "What kind of work do you do?" This gives your dating partner an opportunity to speak about something about which they're enthusiastic – be it work or play. "What's the best thing that happened to you today?" One of my favorites that's good for almost any topic – work, travel, or any other reported experience, is, "What surprised you about ______?"

Have you been confronted with questions you didn't want to answer, early on in the process of getting to know someone? How did you handle them? How would you handle them if you had it to do over? How do you find out what you want to know from your dating partners on the first, or first few dates?

We'd like to hear about your experiences. Click "Comments," below to see what others have said, and/or to add your comments.

And, if you, like many of us, find yourself between relationships, you can meet single women and men at one of our innovative Bay Area singles events this week. We never leave conversation to chance!(tm) Click to see our schedule: The Meeting Game Salon.