Principle #5. The best way to impress a woman

Men: The best way to impress a woman is to be yourself. Don’t brag. Let her get to know all the wonderful things about you gradually, as they come up in conversation. You’ll get farther by asking her questions about herself than you will by telling her about you. If she doesn’t like YOU, the things you own and the things you’ve done are ultimately not going to make a difference.

Of course, we're speaking here about a relationship with a woman of quality. There are always people who are playing a different game entirely – women who are willing to trade their beauty and charm for the benefits that come from associating with a wealthy man, and vice versa.

That being said, as male animals, we're genetically programmed to put on a display to attract our mates. The male peacock's tail has one purpose and one purpose only – to attract a female peacock. Other than that, it's actually a burden to the survival of the male – heavy and unwieldy (not to mention all the time spent grooming it before a date!). Still it survives.

Even those of us past likely reproductive age are still governed by the same forces that guided us in our choice of mates when we were looking to reproduce. Men look for women who appear fertile, and women look for men who can support a brood and are likely to be around through the child rearing process.

(One of the reasons men and women have so much trouble creating and maintaining modern relationships, of course, is that, evolutionarily speaking, men's best strategy is to spread their seed as widely as possible, while a woman's best strategy is to find one man who can help care for her and her child/ren.)

I still say the old advertising aphorism, "don't tell me, show me," yields the best results. Go ahead – wear the Rolex; drive the BMW – just don't talk about them. Just as you can demonstrate yourself to be a person with class by your actions, but if you call yourself "classy," (in a personal ad, for instance, where that phrase is often found), you are by definition, not.

If you're a wonderful person, the woman in whom you're interested will figure it out, just by being around you. And, she's more likely to arrive at that conclusion if, when you're with her, you take a larger interest in her than you do in yourself.

Now, to find someone in whom you might take such an interest! If you, like many of us, find yourself between relationships, you can meet single women and men at one of our innovative Bay Area singles events this week. We never leave conversation to chance!(tm) Click to see our schedule: The Meeting Game Salon.

Men: How do you go about letting a women get to know all the wonderful things about you? Women: What are the things that impress you about a man upon a first or second meeting?

Click "Comments," below to see what others have said, and/or to add your comments.

Principle #4. Women: Offer to pay your share on the first date.

This is your first values test — an opportunity to display your generosity of spirit. If he takes you to dinner, assume you’ll split the check when it comes. If he declines when you proffer your share – as he should – you pay for the movie, the next dinner out, or make him dinner at home. (Debts like this keep for about a week or two, after which time they go into a “Resentment” file. “Would you like some help with that?” when the check comes is not considered by most men to be a sincere offer, but rather, a test.) Don’t trade sex for dinner or other trinkets or gratuities — either by design, or out of a misplaced sense of obligation. No obligation is incurred by spending time with a man, no matter how much money he may have spent on you.

That being said, while some men are quite traditional, and really do prefer to pay for the woman, from my experience in leading our dating discussion group, the number of men who prefer to pay all the time, without some sort of reciprocation from their date, is few and far between. Bottom line, all men want to feel appreciated, and, in this era of women in the workplace, having made demands on men to give up many male privileges over the past thirty or forty years, many men feel resentful when women revert to expecting them to pay every time you go out. (Read Warren Farrell's The Myth of Male Power ("The women's movement has done a wonderful job of freeing women from sex roles, but no one did the same for men.") and Why Men Earn More, for a fascinating discussion of men and women in the workplace.

Some modern women really do prefer to pay for themselves, of course. Match an independent feminist with a traditional man and watch them argue over the check! The idea here is that who pays is one of the first ways men and women send subliminal signals to each other. Frequently, if a man wants to sleep with a woman, he'll be happy to pay for the date. If he's not interested he's less likely to pay. Many women report being more willing to let a man pay if they are interested in getting to know a man further, than if they are not.

Bottom line, if he wants to sleep with her, he'll buy. If she thinks she may want to sleep with him, she'll let him buy. Like others in the animal kingdom, we have elaborate courtship rituals that signal interest and intent. Paying the check is one such ritual – a ritual filled with danger and possibility; the danger of playing your cards poorly and sending a signal you didn't intend to send to your dating partner, or playing your cards well and advancing the relationship to the next step.

Our goal in this forum – and even more effectively in our dating discussion group – is to take control of the signals we're sending and learn to better decipher the signals we're getting. We trade these signals to advance our dating agendas, and to protect both our own feelings and those of our dating partners. (One result of participating in elaborate signaling to each other is to avoid having to reject someone to their face. The, "Sorry but I'm busy," response to an invitation is a rudimentary example.)

Prefer, as some men and women have stated, not to play these games? Unfortunately, if you're dating, the game is being played and you're a part of it. You can ignore it, or pretend that it's not going on, or you can learn to control the signals you're sending and interpret the signals that are being sent to you – and improve your results!

But first, you've got to meet someone with whom to trade signals! If you, like many of us, find yourself between relationships, you can meet single women and men at one of our innovative Bay Area singles events this week. We never leave conversation to chance!(tm) Click to see our schedule: The Meeting Game Salon.

See Principle #3 for the man's financial responsibility on the first date.

How do you handle who pays on the first – and subsequent dates? (Click "Comments," below to see what others have said, and/or to add your comments.)

Principle #3. The man pays for the first date, period.

Men: The man pays for the first date, period. Not doing so is, according to one woman, failing to successfully negotiate a “failure opportunity.” This is your first “values test” — a test of your generosity of spirit.

If you never want to see her again, go ahead and accept her gracious offer to split the check, if proffered, or suggest, “Shall we just split this?” (unless, of course, your share of the bill was more than 50%.) Take her somewhere you can afford to go. I suggest coffee, rather than dinner, for a first date, and in that case, guys, just let your generosity of spirit shine.

One man reports that, when the check comes on a first date, he asks the woman he's with how she'd like them to handle the payment. He says it's one of his "screening devices." I say that, if you have more dating candidates than you can handle, this is an excellent way to eliminate many of them!

While there are probably some women out there, somewhere, who appreciate this approach, the women who have participated in our dating discussion group overwhelmingly report a different preference.

Personally, if I were a single woman, I'd be looking for a man who is capable of taking charge (but doesn't always insist on doing so), and has the generosity of spirit that would allow him to extend himself enough to buy a gal a cup of coffee or a dinner; and who's smart enough to know to take the lead, instead of creating a financial negotiation on the first date. I don't know – call me old fashioned!

See Principle #4 for the woman's financial responsibility on the first date – and more about this, our most enduringly controversial dating topic.

How do you handle who pays on the first – and subsequent dates? (Click "Comments," below to see what others have said, and/or to add your comments.)

If you, like many of us, find yourself between relationships, you can meet single women and men at one of our innovative Bay Area singles events this week. We never leave conversation to chance!(tm) Click to see our schedule: The Meeting Game Salon.