Sunday, August 10, 2008
Principle #3. The man pays for the first date, period.
Men: The man pays for the first date, period. Not doing so is, according to one woman, failing to successfully negotiate a “failure opportunity.” This is your first “values test” — a test of your generosity of spirit.
If you never want to see her again, go ahead and accept her gracious offer to split the check, if proffered, or suggest, “Shall we just split this?” (unless, of course, your share of the bill was more than 50%.) Take her somewhere you can afford to go. I suggest coffee, rather than dinner, for a first date, and in that case, guys, just let your generosity of spirit shine.
One man reports that, when the check comes on a first date, he asks the woman he's with how she'd like them to handle the payment. He says it's one of his "screening devices." I say that, if you have more dating candidates than you can handle, this is an excellent way to eliminate many of them!
While there are probably some women out there, somewhere, who appreciate this approach, the women who have participated in our dating discussion group overwhelmingly report a different preference.
Personally, if I were a single woman, I'd be looking for a man who is capable of taking charge (but doesn't always insist on doing so), and has the generosity of spirit that would allow him to extend himself enough to buy a gal a cup of coffee or a dinner; and who's smart enough to know to take the lead, instead of creating a financial negotiation on the first date. I don't know – call me old fashioned!
See Principle #4 for the woman's financial responsibility on the first date – and more about this, our most enduringly controversial dating topic.
How do you handle who pays on the first – and subsequent dates? (Click "Comments," below to see what others have said, and/or to add your comments.)
If you, like many of us, find yourself between relationships, you can meet single women and men at one of our innovative Bay Area singles events this week. We never leave conversation to chance!(tm) Click to see our schedule: The Meeting Game Salon.
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3 comments:
Money can become such a complicated issue, representing all matter of psychological and emotional things dating to childhood. Someone wants to split the bill and it's received as a lack of class, lack of love interest, immature, lack of chivalry, etc. On the other hand, "he" must like me because he "treated" me so well, paid for everything, etc., though I wonder where the friendship is that will take the couple beyond that first two-three months of chivalry. Call me new-fashioned.
Actually, I do usually treat on the first date, even if she offers to help. But if we're interested in each other, then I think the task should be to create ways to do things and thus pay for things together, not increase the financial burden of a guy with a mortgage, car payments, and/or simply the inability to pay for play, gas, and dinner each time -- and feel incensed when he can't.
It's ironic in a time of gender equality that some women hold dear rather retro values about chivalry (he pays). Show me the gene that says this is hard-wired in males, and I'll reconsider. On the other hand, if she is not interested and knows she is not, then she should own up and pay up, especially if she asked him out.
I think the general rule should be: there should be no general rule! I agree, it shows "generosity of spirit" to pay for the first date. But that's only because it is discretionary. If women expect men to always pay, then the gesture loses its value.
Personally, as a man, I dislike having my generosity taken for granted. So I use it as a signal. On a first date, when we are just getting to know each other, I start from the assumption that everyone is responsible for themselves. If I especially like a woman, I will offer to pay, as a gift, and a way of expressing my interest.
I just want to clarify something you wrote, Joel. The question of who pays for the first date is your most enduringly controversial dating topic? Does that mean it's the no. 1 topic? Good grief! If that's the case, how in the world do men and women ever solve the really tough issues? I guess we don't...
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