Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Principle #2. Eventually, we all have to deal with the issue of settling.
"I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch; he said to me why do you ask for so much? I saw a woman leaning in her open door; she said to me why not ask for more?" – Leonard Cohen
Eventually, we all have to deal with the issue of settling; we have to weigh what we have against the possibility of something better. There is a difference between the settling which comes from a mindset of scarcity, as in "this is the best I'm going to get, so I better grab it,” vs. the settling which comes from maturity, as in, "there will always be someone hotter, and the person I am with has their flaws – as do we all – but I love them anyway and could be very happy with this person.” In other words, pretty darn good.
A woman who attended many of our events told us a story of having brought a girlfriend along once, who had just broken up with her boyfriend. She came to the door, took one look inside, and, referring to her relationship with her boyfriend, said to herself, "We can work this out;" then turned immediately around and went home.
Now we get a normal cross-section of attractive, presentable, well-dressed, professional single women and men at our events, and this is no bump on them. But this person, when faced with the prospect of all one has to go through to find a new partner, realized that what she had with her current boyfriend was actually pretty good – and worth holding onto.
Found someone you're attracted to, who's fun to spend time with, and who treats you well? Is there a feeling of comfort and excitement about them? Is s/he worthy of your trust? When you've spent a Saturday night together and you're hanging out on Sunday afternoon, do you feel like you really need to be alone, or do you feel like having dinner together? Does s/he know how to ask for what s/he wants? What happens if s/he doesn't always get it?
How many relationship candidates have you ever met who could rack up a good score on all the above variables? Would you pass up a person who could? Would you settle for less?
What questions do you ask yourself when you're considering settling down or moving on?
(Click "Comments," below to see what others have said, and/or to add your comments.)
If you, like a lot of us, find yourself between relationships, you can meet single women and men at one of our innovative Bay Area singles events this week. We never leave conversation to chance!(tm) Click to see our schedule: The Meeting Game Salon.
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3 comments:
In regards to Principle #2, I'm a bit offended. In my opinion, there's not a lot of difference in the below statements that I copied from your article.
"this is the best I'm going to get, so I better grab it,” vs. the settling which comes from maturity, as in, "there will always be someone hotter, and the person I am with has their flaws – as do we all – but I love them anyway and could be very happy with this person."
While the wording in the second part of the statement is more polite, they both essentially say "this one will do" or "good enough". I don't want to be thought of as "good enough" or "this one will do". That implies that if something better comes along, the person who "settled" will leave for the thing they have always wanted. And let's be honest, when "settling" for something, we never stop looking for the thing we always wanted.
I want someone to think that I'm "it". That the things that someone may view as my flaws, my significant other views as the things that are part of my charm and the things that make me the fantastic person that I am. And for something as important as an intimate relationship, nobody should "settle".
My advice to people would be to get clear on what's really important to you in a long term relationship. Pick the 3-5 things that your significant other must have. What are those qualities and behaviors? Also, be clear on what your deal breakers are. Once you have those things figured out, be willing to bend/compromise on anything that is not a must or a deal breaker. Lastly, be clear about who you are and have the confidence in yourself to let others really see you so that they can make a decision about whether or not you are a fit.
Bottom line, on a lifelong, intimate relationship, "settling" is not an option.
For me, the test is simple: If it feels like settling, then it is. If I feel lucky to be with the person, then, no matter what flaws they have, I don't feel as if I am settling. I long ago stopped asking the question, "Is there someone better?" and now ask, "Would I prefer to be with this person or not?"
I like both of the first two comments. "Settling" does smack of seeing someone while holding out hope for someone better, compromising, or staying in a relationship because it's better than the alternative.
But I'm not sure if that is what Joel intended. I wonder if he was speaking to the romantics who are unrealistic and holding out for the perfect mate, who doesn't exist.
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